Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?