Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m sure it’s fine.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.