Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.