The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
You Might Also Like
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
the three genders
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?