@TheWhaleFacts: Unlike a Caterpillar, a whale won't turn into a beautiful butterfly.
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@JohnHilsen: The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he'd get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
@WilliamAder: Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@Thynebear: *calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"