FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit