unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using