@MikeSchism: unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
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@truegritrumble: ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec- ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here? ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out.
@mugkip: "DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
@Sean_Burgundy_: It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
@imdaintyaf: [Dog yoga class] Teacher: Alright, let's go into downward human pose [Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]