@MikeSchism: unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
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@causticbob: Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers. His name was Frank
@jazmasta: In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party.
@OfficeofSteve: When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
@pleatedjeans: [1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO