@MikeSchism: unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
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@LeBearGirdle: *Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*
@envydatropic: I'm a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off And that's when I realized it was a cop car
@bouncingblonde: Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like "now what?"...all talk eh boys?