@MikeSchism: unlike drugs, twitter addiction won't cost you anything, except your social life
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@_definitlymaybe: If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
@GinAndJif: Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [at gym] *spends 45 minutes untangling headphones *drops phone, squats to pick it up Phew! Good workout! *leaves