unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!