@ThisOneSayz: Unlike in Westworld, "freeze all motor functions" does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
@KizerBillhelm: It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
@ColoChiver: My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.