Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Noted.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.