Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
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*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”