Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
$3 #books
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.