Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
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I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…