*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though