Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
You Might Also Like
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
me and the Superbowl rn
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”