Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
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Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.