Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.