Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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Me: can鈥檛 I have to go see my therapist
Them: you鈥檝e got to stop calling your bed that
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that鈥檚 impossible to wash away?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Lionel Ritchie being British :
馃幍 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 馃幍
It鈥檚 so disappointing when you visit someone鈥檚 house for the first time, and they don鈥檛 have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
me at 15: i can鈥檛 wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
i鈥檓 a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check