Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
welp
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong