Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The Onion called it…again.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
When news reporters do sports stories
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.