[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
adding to the discourse
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Gemma Correll
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.