Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?