When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Sending in my taxes
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!