Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.