Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Well, that should do it
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??