@Chel__CLE: Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.
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@michaeljhudson: Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I'll just use this dry paper and call it good.
@legreece: My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.
@GingerHotDish: Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready...regardless, fix that shit.
@bourgeoisalien: PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey- TURKEY: Nope. I'm ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now