“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
You Might Also Like
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I wish this was real life…
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.