“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
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Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Venn
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Intelligence is the new cleavage
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”