“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.