Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
pelicons
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”