@KateWhineHall: Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.
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@illiter8too: Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn't overly dependent on her. Lady: These are 4th graders- Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS
@squirrel74wkgn: [at condiment counter] *does shot of ketchup* Me (gets in kid's face): Wait your turn, punk Wife: Oh no...he's getting sauced up again
@WigCannon: Do you know why I pulled you over? "Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet." I meant this time "Oh. No." Please step out of the oven.
@JoParkerBear: Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.