@KateWhineHall: Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.
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@jonnysun: spider-man, spidre-man,. does watever a spider can: has two legs., he can talk. wat kind of spider bit this guy
@aveuaskew: When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting "I'm pregnant" to random numbers.
@HiddenPinky: "If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?" "I could tell you, bud, I'd have tequila."