Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper