Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe