until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
You Might Also Like
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
okay run it by me one more time
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.