Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
You Might Also Like
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
next question.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
necessity is the mother of invention
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Webb. James Webb.
Don’t talk down to me