Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
You Might Also Like
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There鈥檚 a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I鈥檓 always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I would be awful at debating I鈥檇 be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don鈥檛 you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
crazy
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: Time for bed, son. I don鈥檛 make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
girl on bumble: hey 馃檪 ur cute but I noticed you didn鈥檛 include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don鈥檛 see why this is important
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”