Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.