Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist