Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.