Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.