UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
What do you hear?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works