[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”