Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.