Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
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ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)