“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome