Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.