My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
DOOO EEEET
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Donkey Kong sommelier
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus