They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Become ungovernable.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.