Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend