@ThePoke: UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum
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@maisonwithapen: ME: hey guys what's the herps? HIM: u mean haps? M: oh, haha yea. what's the itch?—I mean sitch H: uh M: hows it herpin? H: M: I have herpes
@XplodingUnicorn: [church] 1-year-old: *throws a tantrum* Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown. Wife: Nuclear power plants? Me: Second worst place.
@jctwritesstuff: Me: So anyway, I don't know why people think LSD is so weird. Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right? Me: I like your top hat.
@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.