“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Meow
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.