“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.