“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I think this should do it.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.