I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.