Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.